The Beatles

Its been a little while since I've posted. Probably because last week was full of tests and reports and other homework. Theres a trend here at school where every 3-4 weeks ends up being a week from hell. I could not tell you how stressing it was. I didn't even do anything this weekend. I didnt go out. I hunted people down who would watch disney movies with me. If only my best friends from home were here, at least one of them is OBSESSED with Disney.
In the past four days I have watched Across the Universe five times. The film has everything you could ever want from irish accents to an amazing story to The Beatles. I use movies as an escape. I think thats why I can watch them so much. With good movies that really make you feel the emotions you are able to let go of reality and sink into the story. You're able to imagine yourself fitting into the film, as if it was reality. It feels nice.

I'm going home next weekend. Which I cannot wait for. I hate being home when I'm there. Can't stand it. But the comfort of my hometown is so nice after nonstop school. It reminds me of that saying, "you don't know what you have til its gone" but kind of the opposite. "You dont know how little troubles you had til you're gone". Yeah, thats about right. I keep looking forward to just crawling into my bed and falling asleep knowing I can wake up and lounge around in my pajamas. I'll be able to eat breakfast without leaving my house, what a luxury.

This blog is kind of all over the place today, but hey, so is my mind.

The Beatles have been on my mind a lot lately. Sometimes I wish I was born in the 20s. Sometimes I wish I was born in the 70s and sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all. So I guess I'm just indecisive. Actually one of the only decisions I'll make is that I am indecisive. And very very passive. Is that good or bad? Who knows. Anyway, The Bealtes are probably one of the greatest things to happen in the history of the universe. Not only their music, but being able to watch them grow and change. They represent society's transformation over those years so well. All the way from clean cut good boys to representing the "on the bus" decade. And of course their music is oh so perfect. I don't know why I keep thinking about them but they somehow inspire me to be a better person and to love people. So that's good.
If you know me at all you know my favorite song is Let it Be by the Beatles. Theres a certain video of them singing it live that I watch almost daily. I'll post that at the bottom of this post later. But thats one of the only songs that I get to feeling everywhere in my body. And I know that sounds odd but I can put it on, lay on the ground and just let it seep in through my skin, into my muscles and digging itself deep into my bones with each piano chord. Its an amazing song. When I'm back at home and I'm driving back to my house late at night I always save enough time to blast that song and just drive without a destination. Hopelessly trying to make it last longer, wishing I could somehow lock that moment in time. Just a moment of content.

I've Just Seen a Face- The Beatles

Are you there God? It me, lonely

I'm atheist. The problem is I understand religion so much. I understand why people choose to believe it and how easy it is to convince people to believe it. I constantly wish that I could believe in something like God. I wish there was someone who I could talk to and ask them to make me happier. Ask them to cut me some slack. Give me a break. And I wish there was someone who I could get mad at when something went wrong. But since I dont believe in God or any other deity I am stuck getting mad at myself. Myself is all I have to blame for anything. I don't believe in fate, I dont believe in God and I don't believe in superstition. So I blame myself, because the only thing I believe in is that everyone makes their own choices. And I made the choices that lead me to where I am. Why would someone choose to be non religious? I didn't exactly choose it, I realized how irrational it all was and couldnt convince myself that it was true. Too bad. Lost out on that one. Screwed myself out of believing in heaven too. How easy death could be if it was practically someone moving to a different state with a baby monitor. They're too far away to be able to visit, but they can still hear whatever you say and keep eyes on you. How protected you would feel. But I don't. I don't get to feel protected, I get to feel alone.

I know I write about feeling alone a lot. But its the most common feeling. And its one of the strongest. The way that it is able to make it feel as though there is a hole right through the middle of you. The way its able to make me breakdown, start crying without having a real reason. Its the only thing that doesn't get easier with time. It only gets easier through ignorance. Pretending it isn't there. Thats the way to suppress it. By wasting time doing anything but sitting and thinking about how little anyone else knows about you. I mean all the things that have gone through your head without anyone ever knowing the thought existed. Theres so many things you thought to say but didnt, things you knew not to say, things you felt, things you imagined. Thoughts that only existed in your own head. It's like having a parrallel universe where every thing you imagined were shared, but you're the only one there. An island that you and only you exist on.