Just One Moment

This past weekend was pretty great. I always look forward to the weekends when I can finally forget about classes and any work for a few days. Although I've started to think about how much I enjoy drinking just because there is so little to think about. You forget everything that's been going on and you just start to live in the moment. That's one of my favorite ideas, living in the moment. I don't think enough people try to do it, but it makes you feel so free when you do. Society is too wrapped up in documenting every moment that happens. And I'm sure that I'm guilty of it too, but I try not to. Pictures can never capture the moment as great as the moment actually is. I think that its much more important to just stop looking through a lens and start to feel the moment. And I know that sounds dumb but its amazing and you will know what I mean when you do it. These moments I like to concentrate as much as I can on one sense at a time. Put all my attention to one of the senses and figure out everything I can that's happening. So If I'm sitting on the beach I will close my eyes, ignore everything but what I can hear. You would be amazed the sounds that you only hear when you listen closely. Then ignore all the sounds and pay attention to what you can see. And don't look around. Stare straight ahead and notice every detail. Every slimmer of light. Every sharp edge. Every transition of color. Everything that you possibly can. And after you've listened to everything and seen everything, ignore all of that and just pay attention to what you feel. What does the wind feel like hitting your arm. Does it wrap around you like a sleeve? or does it feel like its avoiding your arm like repelling magnets? Just notice everything. Every detail of the moment. I am actually not entirely sure why I do this. Maybe its because it makes me concentrate so intently that I can't worry about anything else. It takes me out of life and puts me in that moment so much that it is impossible to even imagine that there is more than that moment. It makes you feel like the world is just a second long, and you want to figure out everything you possibly can before its all taken away from you. And it will be taken away, moments never last forever. Its the briefness of the moment that makes it that much more valuable. Feeling like everything will be ripped away from you in a second is such a relaxing thought. At first glance it may seem frightening and terrible, but its the most free you could ever possibly be. I think that's why I'm not afraid of death. There will never be a moment in your life that is more comforting than knowing that there is nothing left to do but just let yourself have a peaceful mind. Realizing that anything in the past is now completely irrelevant and doesn't matter in the slightest. Knowing there is no future to worry about. Knowing that this is it. This moment is all you have which makes everything so simple. You can let it all go and think about nothing. and that is perfect.

Kings of Leon-Revelry

Loneliness—A Blessing and a Curse

You would think by the time you reach college you would have some sort of idea as to where you fit into the puzzle. The puzzle of 7 billion people that have been thrown onto this Earth together and are somehow supposed to find where they fit in. Since a young age I'm pretty sure society has tried to convince us that we all have a specific place and will grow up, get the right job, and fit where the universe wants us to fit. The older you get, the more meaningful your life should become. Well, I am slowly starting to believe the opposite. Who decided that every life is supposed to have meaning? Who decided that everyone should have their own personal effect on the world? I guess what I'm getting at is, Whats the purpose of life? And not in a self-loathing, suicidal way. I just want to know why people try to convince themselves that everyone needs to have a place. Maybe we are all supposed to just live. Simple as that. You do not need to cure cancer to have lived a successful life. A successful life should start when you're born and when you eventually die, Hey gold star! You just succeeded at living. Just a thought.

Next I guess I'll share with you what I wrote in a journal the other day.

'I'm in this room alone and lonely but if I wasn't alone the lonely would remain. I think its hard to grasp, the idea of not being lonely. No one can be inside my head with me, so how can I not be lonely?' I don't know if any of you guys ever think about it. But I find it to be true. You can never really put your thoughts into words. Not as perfect as they are in your head anyway. It's like trying to explain a dream you had to someone but they will never see it the way you did. But maybe that's a good thing. One of the reasons I refuse to see a movie after reading a book is because of this. The thoughts are from the writers head. So I do not imagine it the same as them, but I imagine it my own way. A way that is perfect for me. And I always end up liking the one in my own mind the best. So, is being lonely a blessing or a curse? I guess both. I daydream a lot. Like way more than I think any normal person does. I play out scenes in my head and then dismiss them when I realize I'm daydreaming again. But its nice, to have an alternate universe that can live in my thoughts. I try to get lost in them sometimes. If I'm not in class where I should be paying attention. If I'm alone and can continue living in that alternate universe where my brain is making each and every decision without society impeding on them. Until I get snapped back to reality, that is.

Feels Like The End - Mikky Ekko

"Silence so mighty you go deaf"

The need to breathe

I'll start with the purpose of this blog and why I decided to start it. First things first, this blog is intended only for myself. Not for you or you or you. And I will address you throughout the blog like its intended for someone to be on the receiving end, but the you I talk to is just open space. Open space where these thoughts can fall and be somewhere so I don't need to keep them cradled in my head. If you find that you have somehow happened to stumble upon this blog, then you may read as you please. And I'm only saying that because, I don't exactly have control as to whether or not you choose to read it. So I might as well accept that now. The purpose of this blog, as the title tells, is for me to have a chance to breathe. And I mean that mostly figuratively but semi-literally. I don't know if this happens to any of you(there's that you I was talking about) ever, but when I get overly stressed I find a weight has been laid on my chest. I get a feeling that makes me wish someone would punch me in the chest just so I could blame the feeling on that. And I would know that the physical pain from a punch would eventually go away. But the weight of the stress pressing the front of my chest to my spine feels like it will last forever. So this blog will hopefully be able to extinguish that feeling. Slowly releasing my emotions until I feel happy enough to get off the computer and do something.
So, that's the main purpose of it. There will also be days where I'm overly joyed about life and everything going on. However, the emotions that are bad and painful are far more important to write about, because whose ever said, "I just really need to get these happy thoughts off my chest." No one.
I'll start with a summary of my situation. Which you'll find isn't exactly a "situation" as much as a pretty standard life that I should probably be thankful for. And I'm not not-thankful for it. Actually, I do feel guilty writing down my problems when there are obviously people in much worse situations than me. But I'm not doing anyone harm with this so I guess its fine. I'm 19. I go to college which stresses me out more than anything. I have siblings. I'm the least favorite of them all. But I've come to terms with that already, so it doesn't bother me too much. I think I've convinced myself that I have to be the least favorite so that my other siblings don't have to be. I like being protective of them. My moms a little crazy. But you'd never know it right away. I love my dad. He's worries about us more than he worries about himself which is nice. I guess that's how most parents are. 
I'll probably talk a lot about my love life here so I should start that off by complaining about how lonely I am at the moment. I know that you don't need a boyfriend to be happy and all that 'strong independent women who don't need no man' crap. But you all know that its nice to have someone that will always listen to you and make you feel better.(is this blog my boyfriend?) And Hugs. Fucking hugs are the greatest thing ever.
I have these two friends from home, who I would say are the greatest people I have ever met in my entire life. I have other best friends, but these two are the type of people who just always know what to say or do. I can't think of a time where they have not made me happier. Even when we decide to all be sad together, I am still happier being with them than I would be alone. The ecstasy of friendship is better than being alone. If I actually allow anyone to read this blog it would be the two of them. So hey guys, if you're reading this. Love you to pieces.
Like I said, I have other best friends. But it isn't the same. They're fun and they make me happy and we laugh a lot. But they don't fill that loneliness void as well as I need them to sometimes. You would never guess this after reading this blog, but I'm not exactly a person who carries my heart on my sleeve. I prefer to leave it in a steel case, with a dead bolt lock and disclaim that its mine. And I'd argue that I never had one from the start. Some people get my emotions. But hardly any of them and always overly-simplified.

So, to summarize, this blog will be my place to express the thoughts that I need to get off my chest. Probably some stupid thoughts too, I have them often enough. It will be my place to come when I can't breathe and want to talk to no one and someone at the same time. A place to be so I don't have to stay in my own mind. The mind is a dangerous place to stay for too long.

Well thanks for listening, Universe. I had a great time and I hope you did too. 

This song is appropriate enough since this post is

basically my bitter song.