The need to breathe

I'll start with the purpose of this blog and why I decided to start it. First things first, this blog is intended only for myself. Not for you or you or you. And I will address you throughout the blog like its intended for someone to be on the receiving end, but the you I talk to is just open space. Open space where these thoughts can fall and be somewhere so I don't need to keep them cradled in my head. If you find that you have somehow happened to stumble upon this blog, then you may read as you please. And I'm only saying that because, I don't exactly have control as to whether or not you choose to read it. So I might as well accept that now. The purpose of this blog, as the title tells, is for me to have a chance to breathe. And I mean that mostly figuratively but semi-literally. I don't know if this happens to any of you(there's that you I was talking about) ever, but when I get overly stressed I find a weight has been laid on my chest. I get a feeling that makes me wish someone would punch me in the chest just so I could blame the feeling on that. And I would know that the physical pain from a punch would eventually go away. But the weight of the stress pressing the front of my chest to my spine feels like it will last forever. So this blog will hopefully be able to extinguish that feeling. Slowly releasing my emotions until I feel happy enough to get off the computer and do something.
So, that's the main purpose of it. There will also be days where I'm overly joyed about life and everything going on. However, the emotions that are bad and painful are far more important to write about, because whose ever said, "I just really need to get these happy thoughts off my chest." No one.
I'll start with a summary of my situation. Which you'll find isn't exactly a "situation" as much as a pretty standard life that I should probably be thankful for. And I'm not not-thankful for it. Actually, I do feel guilty writing down my problems when there are obviously people in much worse situations than me. But I'm not doing anyone harm with this so I guess its fine. I'm 19. I go to college which stresses me out more than anything. I have siblings. I'm the least favorite of them all. But I've come to terms with that already, so it doesn't bother me too much. I think I've convinced myself that I have to be the least favorite so that my other siblings don't have to be. I like being protective of them. My moms a little crazy. But you'd never know it right away. I love my dad. He's worries about us more than he worries about himself which is nice. I guess that's how most parents are. 
I'll probably talk a lot about my love life here so I should start that off by complaining about how lonely I am at the moment. I know that you don't need a boyfriend to be happy and all that 'strong independent women who don't need no man' crap. But you all know that its nice to have someone that will always listen to you and make you feel better.(is this blog my boyfriend?) And Hugs. Fucking hugs are the greatest thing ever.
I have these two friends from home, who I would say are the greatest people I have ever met in my entire life. I have other best friends, but these two are the type of people who just always know what to say or do. I can't think of a time where they have not made me happier. Even when we decide to all be sad together, I am still happier being with them than I would be alone. The ecstasy of friendship is better than being alone. If I actually allow anyone to read this blog it would be the two of them. So hey guys, if you're reading this. Love you to pieces.
Like I said, I have other best friends. But it isn't the same. They're fun and they make me happy and we laugh a lot. But they don't fill that loneliness void as well as I need them to sometimes. You would never guess this after reading this blog, but I'm not exactly a person who carries my heart on my sleeve. I prefer to leave it in a steel case, with a dead bolt lock and disclaim that its mine. And I'd argue that I never had one from the start. Some people get my emotions. But hardly any of them and always overly-simplified.

So, to summarize, this blog will be my place to express the thoughts that I need to get off my chest. Probably some stupid thoughts too, I have them often enough. It will be my place to come when I can't breathe and want to talk to no one and someone at the same time. A place to be so I don't have to stay in my own mind. The mind is a dangerous place to stay for too long.

Well thanks for listening, Universe. I had a great time and I hope you did too. 

This song is appropriate enough since this post is

basically my bitter song.