Are you there God? It me, lonely

I'm atheist. The problem is I understand religion so much. I understand why people choose to believe it and how easy it is to convince people to believe it. I constantly wish that I could believe in something like God. I wish there was someone who I could talk to and ask them to make me happier. Ask them to cut me some slack. Give me a break. And I wish there was someone who I could get mad at when something went wrong. But since I dont believe in God or any other deity I am stuck getting mad at myself. Myself is all I have to blame for anything. I don't believe in fate, I dont believe in God and I don't believe in superstition. So I blame myself, because the only thing I believe in is that everyone makes their own choices. And I made the choices that lead me to where I am. Why would someone choose to be non religious? I didn't exactly choose it, I realized how irrational it all was and couldnt convince myself that it was true. Too bad. Lost out on that one. Screwed myself out of believing in heaven too. How easy death could be if it was practically someone moving to a different state with a baby monitor. They're too far away to be able to visit, but they can still hear whatever you say and keep eyes on you. How protected you would feel. But I don't. I don't get to feel protected, I get to feel alone.

I know I write about feeling alone a lot. But its the most common feeling. And its one of the strongest. The way that it is able to make it feel as though there is a hole right through the middle of you. The way its able to make me breakdown, start crying without having a real reason. Its the only thing that doesn't get easier with time. It only gets easier through ignorance. Pretending it isn't there. Thats the way to suppress it. By wasting time doing anything but sitting and thinking about how little anyone else knows about you. I mean all the things that have gone through your head without anyone ever knowing the thought existed. Theres so many things you thought to say but didnt, things you knew not to say, things you felt, things you imagined. Thoughts that only existed in your own head. It's like having a parrallel universe where every thing you imagined were shared, but you're the only one there. An island that you and only you exist on.